Letters from Iggy Puff

Here's what I hope to be a recurring segment of this blog - Letters from the Lord of Harvard himself!

This editions letter is Iggy's letter in support of the gun registry to coppers:

May 3, 2010
Ladies and Gentlemen:
Thank you for your joint letter regarding your support for the maintenance of the National Firearms Registry.
Translation: Thanks for joining us in the anti-DuckHunter Crusade ™. We need all the help we can get.
Your support is precisely why I am committed to doing everything possible to not only keep the gun registry, but to improve it so that it works for all Canadians.
Translation: If it weren't for you then I'd have no one else to listen to but the rural nutbars in my caucus who keep on yelping at me to gut the registry.
I couldn’t agree more with you that the registry is a valuable system that helps police services across Canada in ensuring community and police safety.
Translation: Holy cow let's not talk about the rampant waste of money this registry has been.
You are part of a growing movement across this country – one that also includes health professionals, social workers, municipal officials and women’s groups – that is speaking out in favour of the registry in advance of the vote on the Conservative Private Member’s Bill (known as the Hoeppner bill) that aims to scrap the registry.
Translation: If it weren't for you guys the only people publicly supporting this thing would be a bunch of hairy armpited hippies and aging pot smoking urbanite yuppies from downtown Toronto.
The Liberal Party stands behind you in your quest to keep the registry intact. Police officers are the front line of our system of justice, and I am committed to giving you the tools you need to do your job properly and safely.
Translation: We stand behind you, not in front. I don't want to get shot.
We want to maintain the integrity of the gun registry in order to protect public safety, while at the same time address the legitimate concerns of Canadian long-gun owners by committing to making the registry more effective.
Translation: I can't tell my rural nutbars to shove it... So get ready for a compromise you might not enjoy.
Recently, in a speech to frontline police officers at a meeting of the Canadian Police Association, I announced a series of reforms that I believe will improve the long-gun registry while also keeping communities safe. Details of these reforms are as follows:

• First-time failures to register long-guns would be treated as a simple, non-criminal, ticketing offence, instead of a criminal offence as they are currently, where there are no aggravating factors;
Translation: We've decided to get some more revenues from those rural barbarians as a veiled attempt to pacify them. And hey - if you really don't like that decision just find some "aggravating factors" and lock those knuckleheads away anyways (maniac laughing here).
• Fees for new licenses, renewals and upgrades would be permanently eliminated; and
Translation: Were getting rid of fees for now... But hey who knows for the future? We're Liberals. We're pragmatic. We can't get tied down by promises when we don't like it.
• The registration process – especially the forms – would be streamlined to make registration as easy as possible.
Translation: No gun owners. No paperwork. No problem. Registration Process streamlined.
My party will oppose the Conservative government’s effort to scrap the gun registry altogether and will vote against the Hoeppner bill in the House of Commons.

On behalf of the Liberal Party and my Parliamentary caucus, thank you for your vocal support in the battle to maintain the firearms registry. Every voice counts in this fight – and none is more important than yours.


Michael Ignatieff, M.P.
Translation: I hope my caucus doesn't vote the wrong way- again... You guys better be on side or else I'm on a plane and back to Harvard before next winter.  It's frigging cold up here!  Sincerely the Supreme Iggy Puff.

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